You've got to love the send-off they (sorry, we) are throwing for The Great National Benefactor, Hero Of The Country, Patriotic Favoured Son of Our Land - The Late Kerry Francis Bullmore Packer.
Where to begin? Channel Nine's ad-free tribute program on their former CEO last night garnered, according to Crikey, 1.521 million viewers. If these figures are correct, almost one in every ten Australian men, women and children actually sat through an extraordinarily overt orgy of sucking up. Without toilet-breaks.
And good for us if we did. It reflects well on us as a people that we'll sit through hours of adoring deification of whoever a television station tells us to love.
After all, uncritical worship of our betters/owners is what made this country great!
This morning, of course, Channel Nine was still on about it. They proudly presented two "different" views on Kerry - one from a cricketer who'd played in Kerry's World Series Cricket; and one from a celebrity who worked for Kerry's network. Surprisingly, both views were positive! (It was apparently not unlike Stephen Colbert's mock interviews, in which he asks his subjects "So, George Bush - great president; or greatest president?")
And then, of course, came the climax. The funeral itself. A groaning, sweating heap of fawning supplicants to the Packer regime, desperately trying to outdo each other with ever more frenzied hyperbole, eventually building up to an expert brown-nosing performance from the Prime Minister himself.
From The Age report:
Kerry Packer loved his country and understood ordinary Australians, Prime Minister John Howard said at the service.
"The key to his life and to his great success and the key to the enormous impact he had on the Australian community was his understanding about what made the ordinary bloke tick," he said.
Also, inheriting a fortune and a television station from his father. That did help a fair bit.
"When we saw each other on a regular basis it was always to talk about Australia, to talk about ways in which you, sport, could make it better."
"Sport"? Even Kerry rolled in his grave at that one.
"In my 35 years of public life I have not come across a smarter businessman than Kerry Packer," Mr Howard said.
Or one who did more for my political aspirations.
All I had to do was give him whatever he wanted, be it approving his favoured next generation television format instead of the one used around the world; or shaking up the media ownership rules. As long as I obsequiously acquiesced to whatever demands he made, he'd do everything in his power to make sure we were re-elected.
"He was a larrikin, but he was also a gentleman and that's a dual description that any Australian man would be proud to have."
Also being called "sport". Blimey, cobber.
Mr Howard recalled Mr Packer's love of sport, including when he almost shed a tear over Makybe Diva's Cox Plate win in November last year.
"He was a sentimental bloke," Mr Howard said.
Also he'd just won/lost a lot of money.
Alan Jones did speak extensively during the service, but in the interests of protecting your computer keyboard from having your lunch expelled all over it, I'll refrain from quoting his main remarks. Here's how he ended, though:
Jones ended the memorial with a cricket analogy which he said Mr Packer would find appropriate.
"The innings were too short, but there were a lot of runs," he said.
Oh Kerry, Why Does God Take The Good So Young? How Will We Carry On Without You? Oh Kerry, My Mighty Heart Is Breaking!
Meanwhile, the Bulletin chose to commemorate the Great Man's Passing with a special 1200 page issue, filled with touching tributes from everyone who ever worked for PBL, and everyone who hopes to do so in the future.
Oh, Kerry! Sorry, I'm overcome with emotion. I can't go on! (No, Lefty. Be strong. You can do it! We're almost there.)
RIP, Beloved Saviour Of Our People.
Know that you will be in our hearts forever.
UPDATE: Sorry, I missed this -
Alan Jones opened the service and closed it by imagining the mogul in heaven, negotiating the television rights for sporting events.
Kerry Packer? In heaven? In what conceivable theology could anyone believe he'd end up in heaven? I'd have loved the cameras to pan over the assembled dignitaries at that moment. Surely they can't all have been successful in holding back a disbelieving snort or two?
ps I know, Mr Beazley, that there would have been some fallout had you decided not to attend. Channel Nine can be vindictive that way. But - really. It's not like PBL was going to give you a free ride anyway. You know whose side they're on.
Couldn't you have represented the 90% of Australians who are disgusted by Packer getting a publicly-funded memorial service, and stayed away?
UPDATE 10/9/2008: Kerry's ridiculously undeserved state funeral cost the taxpayer $73,223.63, thereby somewhat proving his point - some politicians do outrageously waste tax money! I mean, squandering so much money on a state funeral for a rich businessman just because his media empire has been so helpful for them. Sure, I'd suggest that the solution is not electing such governments in the future, rather than simply avoiding paying tax like he did, but at least he could see the problem.
